what is love? pt.1

when i first started this blog, i was curious about love. i wanted to understand my feelings about my friends and lovers. it was a time when i was embarking on a new relationship and wanted to assess my feeling about a man. that relationship has come and gone. but that question, 'what is love?' still gnaws at my hearts every night. 

i believe that i have been in love before, deeply, in fact. but i'm not in love anymore. can love really fade? shouldn't love last forever? how do i know when i'm in love? what's the difference between love and lust?

i've found myself laying in bed thinking about a man. during waking hours, i cannot focus on anything but the anticipation of being with him again. i'm actually quite shocked at how much time i spend thinking about one person. i assume that this obsession is the beginnings of love. or lust? isn't yearning and passion for a person nothing but a craving, similar to that of a chocolate addiction? and if it is, does that mean that passion is less valuable than actual love?

can passion be an adequate substitute for love?

it's more than this man's touch that i desire. it's the way he makes me laugh, it's the way he understand me without explanation. his thought process intrigues me. i lust for his conversation. i miss his energy when he's not with me. what are these things? and what do they mean?

and does it matter? does defining an emotion even matter?

perhaps this is the problem with love: love is a spoiled bitch. she's not divine, she's mundane and boring. her life expires. she has know idea where she's coming and going. she's a wishy washy, little teenager trying to prove herself to be something that she's not. she's just boring. 

passion, however, is fierce. she's independent and unapologetic. she has no expectations and requires little maintenance. her fire needs no more than simple oxygen and heat to cause a chain reaction. on this chemistry i can rely. this is all i know to be true and fulfilling.

but, even flames die without fuel... 

so what is the answer? what is love? and does love really matter?

love,

emma.